Seasons
by 4810
Summary: A young Kazuki wonders about love. Juubei would prefer not to. JuuKazu.


Gah... Why is it that my one-shots have suddenly started to become suckily long (I just cannot believe the length of this one)? It's bad enough that I lack skill, but my poor friends end up having to sit through reading even more of my junk. n.n; Bad luck.

By the way, were any of you aware of the fact that it's acceptable to spell the word 'cursed' as 'curst'? Or, it was in the old days. Possibly so it looked better in poems...

* * *

Kazuki's father looked male.

Once he was old enough to understand complicated things like biology, the Fuchouin son often wondered about why he looked so much like his mother. On the rare occasions he mixed with other children and their parents, Kazuki sometimes noticed that perhaps a girl would take after her father in looks. Or, like in his case, a boy could take after his mother. However, they still looked like their respective genders, unlike himself. It never seemed that odd to him, probably because he'd grown up looking female, but that didn't stop him from pondering it once in a while.

His parents were very proper people, and in turn he'd grown up to behave in a proper manner. Kazuki was most parents' idea of an ideal child; soft-spoken, independent, but obidient when required, good natured and kind. The fact that he was exceptionally talented wasn't a necessity, but it was appreciated still.

Once Kazuki had reached oughly the age of six, it was also apparent that he was going to grow up to be very beautiful. That, however, wasn't necessarily a good thing in his parents' eyes.

One summer evening, about half a year before he was to turn seven, the boy and his parents sat relaxing in an open tea room. It wasn't dark yet, but the cicadas had ceased their chirping and the almost blistering summer heat had cooled to a pleasant temperature. The Fuchouin family was quite happy to take in the tranquil atmosphere, neither speaking nor moving. It seemed a shame to break the moment.

Unfortunately, Kazuki soon became slightly uncomfortable and found he had to stretch a little. He looked to his mother to make sure it was alright for him to sit with his legs straight out. Not even needing to be asked the question, she nodded at him; an unspoken signal that it was okay. He didn't need to be proper at this moment. There was no need to impress anyone, and no call to keep an image to keep up. It was just him and his parents.

"Your hair is getting long, Kazuki." His father noted. The boy had stretched forward a little and, when he'd done so, his brown locks had tumbled over his shoulders, licking at the pink kimono he was clad in. "You look more and more like your mother every day."

Kazuki, taking this as a compliment, merely smiled and brushed his hair back to it's home behind his shoulders, out of his face.

"What are we going to do with you once you've grown?" His mother's expression was somewhere between amused and bemused. "If this keeps up we'll never be able to find you a wife; no women would want to marry a man more beautiful than herself."

Kazuki, though usually polite and civil towards his parents, stuck his nose up into the air. "It doesn't matter, mother. I'm never going to get married."

His parents shared a look that he couldn't quite understand. However, to anyone old enough, it clearly read, _'What a typical child.' _His mother fondly placed a hand on his shoulder, shaking her head, "But Kazuki, how else will the Fuchouin line be carried on? Anyway, once you fall in love, you may stop thinking that."

The two laughed softly at the frown that made its way onto their son's face, only causing the look to deepen further. His parents were usually far more proper than this. They didn't often tease their son, but obviously they couldn't resist all the time.

"But I'm never _going_ to fall in love." Kazuki protested. He didn't sound rude or angry; only insistent. After all, he honestly and truly believed what he was saying. Some children liked to have pretend weddings, but the idea of marriage and love irked Kazuki. It seemed slightly... icky, for lack of a better word, to him...

"I said that when I was your age, too." His father was smiling at him with one of those 'I-know-better-than-you-do' looks. One of those patronizing smiles that could make any child's stomach turn, "And if I'd stuck to my word, you would never have been born."

Kazuki would have shrugged if he'd been inclined to the action. However, his parents regarded it as rude and never did it. As a result, Kazuki had never learnt it so it wasn't a natural reaction for him. Not the way it was for some.

"But _I'm_ never going to fall in love." The Fuchouin heir continued to insist, "Even if you did, father, I never, ever will."

But his parents merely chuckled again. There was no way that they'd be able to change Kazuki's opinion and, in turn, there was no way that Kazuki would be able to change theirs.

---

"What's your favourite season, Juubei?"

The needle-user briefly looked at Kazuki. Though puzzled by the question, he was still quite willing to answer.

"My favourite season? I suppose the season that my birthday's in." He glanced up again, giving his friend another quizzical look, "You always say such odd things."

Kazuki laughed; a simple, melodious sound that always cheered the people around him. "August is in... Summer, isn't it?" He was quiet for a while after that, possibly contemplating the answer he'd received. "I'm not so fond of my birthday's season." He finally said, "Winter can be beautiful at times, but there's other seasons I prefer."

Juubei nodded, "Winter is too cold. I don't think it suits you so much, Kazuki..." It seemed as if he had more to add but, after a moment's thought, he changed his mind and finished speaking. Kazuki noticed this, though he didn't push him to speak any more.

"It's my favourite season right now." Kazuki said, and he stretched out on the grass. They were sitting beside a river, the spot that Kazuki had brought Juubei on the day they'd first met. The two didn't dare stay in the house when Juubei came to visit without permission from his parents. If he was found out, he'd have to leave. No argument. Juubei's father was strict and, as some people said, it was easier to get forgiveness than permission. Anyway, most of the time, no one even missed him.

"Is it?" It was April, three months after Kazuki's eleventh birthday. "I had no idea you liked spring." Secretly, Juubei thought spring was perfect for Kazuki. It was beautiful with all the blossoming trees and warmed up the land, melting the ice that cold winters left behind. Kazuki was a beautiful, warm person. Not that Juubei would ever tell him he thought these things. It sounded... far too romantic. That was wrong, coming from another boy.

"I like practicing the koto in the spring air. It's not too hot, not too cold, and there's a sort of hopeful feeling..." Kazuki's words drifted off, and Juubei wondered whether all people their age were as thoughtful and dreamy as Kazuki seemed.

"You were practicing the koto when we first met a few years ago." Juubei suddenly recalled. Well, he'd never actually forgotten, but sometimes the fact just slipped his mind. He'd never forget their first meeting; half because Kazuki had tried to attack him, and half because...

He snuck a sideways glance at his friend, only to realize that Kazuki was already looking at him. It made them laugh, for no reason at all.

"I was, wasn't I?" Kazuki said, after their laughter had died down. "Do you think I've improved since then?"

Juubei nodded, "You were good at the time, but you're even better now..." He paused for a second, "You know, I thought you were a girl... I thought you..."

Kazuki watched his friend with curious brown eyes, waiting for him to continue. When he didn't, Kazuki gave him a little poke in the ribs.

"I know you thought I was a girl. What else did you think?"

Juubei shrugged, "You know, your voice is deeper now. You sound a lot like a boy, no matter how you look."

But the topic couldn't be changed that easily. Kazuki was bright; everyone knew that. He wasn't going to fall for that, and he wasn't going to let Juubei get away with stopping halfway through a sentence. Not one that made him so curious.

"What _did_ you think?" He was such a persistent child. Kazuki loved getting his own way; usually he was never forceful, but he could be amazingly manipulative. It was a skill he'd had to learn, coming from a family where he was meant to be seen and not heard. When one couldn't whine or beg, one had to come up with other strategies for getting what they wanted. Unfortunately for Juubei, when it came to him, Kazuki didn't mind being pushy. Juubei was his equal; he could get away with it without getting into trouble.

"No, nothing. I wasn't actually thinking about what I was saying." _'I thought you were the prettiest girl I'd ever seen.'_ Juubei knew that Kazuki wouldn't belive or be satisfied with that, but he wasn't willing to tell the truth. It did remind him of something he meant to tell his friend, though.

"You know..." He said, before Kazuki could continue to persist, "Sakura was saying the other day that she's jealous of you. She thinks that you're going to grow up to be prettier than she is."

Kazuki laughed at that, not being able to imagine the quiet, gentle Sakura being jealous. "Does she? I'm pleased, but I'm not _that_ beautiful." He fiddled with his hair a little, the way that some people do when they're both flattered and embarrassed at the same time.

"What are you talking about, Kazuki? Of course you are." Juubei shook his head. He was quite aware that his friend had been brought up to be modest, but Kazuki often defied many of the things he'd been taught throughout his life when he was alone with Juubei. He could be more easy-going and relaxed when it was just the two of them. Therefore, there was no reason for him to deny the truth like this either.

"Oh?" Kazuki's smile changed ever-so-slightly, and Juubei couldn't decide whether it was coy, flirtatious, or a mix of both. Well, no matter what, it unsettled him to have that expression directed at him. "Do you really think I'm that pretty, Juubei?"

He knew he'd slipped up. It wasn't right for one boy to admit something like that to another. And Kazuki's smile was making his heart speed up. Oh, why was he always so careless with his words? It had to be a curse. He was cursed. Cursed, and he had to come up with a way to correct his mistake.

"Everyone thinks you are, Kazuki." That was a smooth save, Juubei thought. And Kazuki's face had gone back to normal too. Maybe he'd been imagining it; his panic had just been playing tricks on him. Whatever it was, Kazuki seemed to have dropped the topic.

"Come to think of it, mother told me some years ago that if I end up too beautiful, no one will want to marry me." Kazuki said. The words were laced with a giggle, showing that the idea didn't hurt his feelings at all. "Say... Juubei, have you ever been in love?"

The question startled the Kakei. That couldn't possibly be a normal question for boys their age to ask, could it? Well, Kazuki always said strange things, so maybe he shouldn't be so shocked. But why was he asking? It was such a personal question; even Kazuki had to know that.

"Why... why are you asking that, all of a sudden?" The only connection he could see between that question and their previous conversation was that people who loved one another got married. But other than that...

The string-user shook his head, indicating that there wasn't really any specific reason, "The time that mother warned me about being too beautiful, I was quite young. I swore to her and father that I'd never get married and that I'd never fall in love. It just made me curious. Were you the same?"

Juubei, glad he didn't have to think about the other question anymore, considered that.

"I didn't really think about those things back then. But maybe if I had I would have been the same as you. I don't think a lot of young kids like the idea of love."

"I see..." Kazuki said vaguely. He appeared contemplative. "But I'm not that young anymore and I still don't think I'll... How do you know if you love someone, anyway?"

The Kakei boy's cheeks had turned an interesting shade of pink. He really didn't want to discuss this topic with Kazuki; it was far too embarrassing. This seemed the sort of thing a pair of girls would talk about. Not a pair of boys...

"Kazuki... This is making me uncomfortable." Juubei admitted. Maybe saying so meant a loss of face for him, but it was far better than having to talk about... that.

Kazuki giggled again, making his friend feel even more humiliated.

"Wh-- What's so funny?" He did his best to hide his flaming cheeks by turning his head away, but he knew Kazuki had already noticed. He was kind enough not to mention it, but that had to be why he was grinning like that.

Kazuki pulled his knees up to his chest but kept his gaze on Juubei, almost scrutinizing him.

"It's not that funny... It's just that the idea of you being shy is..." He trailed off, shaking his head to dismiss the topic, waving one hand in apology, "You just don't seem like a shy person, Juubei. You're many things, but I didn't think shy was one of them."

The seemingly-not-shy boy stared hard at the ground, doing whatever he could to make sure he didn't have to meet Kazuki's eyes. Was he being teased? He knew that Kazuki often showed another side of himself when they were together. It wasn't because he felt safer around Juubei; it was just that he was allowed to act like this. Juubei couldn't punish him for talking back to him or teasing him or disagreeing with him...

Sometimes it was difficult to deal with. If Kazuki was in a bad mood on a particular day, Juubei would get the worst of it. Of course, obviously, Kazuki's way of being mean wasn't the same as most other people's. He was far too sweet to try to insult or hurt someone... he'd just be slightly more argumentative and disagreeable than usual. Still, it made Juubei feel down when Kazuki was like that...

But most of the time, Juubei loved it when Kazuki did this. He felt special; knowing - seeing - something about this boy that no one else did. He was curious about this rarely-shown side of his friend. This Kazuki had a special smile; cheeky, bright-eyed and eager. The only time Juubei ever saw him use it was during times like these. When they joked together and teased one other (Not that Juubei was particularly good at either. He couldn't bring himself to tease most of the time and, for a young boy, he was rather lacking in a sense of humour).

"I can be shy, just like anyone." Juubei insisted, "You're shy at times too, Kazuki."

"Aah." His friend agreed. It was then that Juubei noticed a look in his eyes; one that Kazuki always had when he wanted to say something. It gave him the idea that his friend hadn't dropped their previous topic; the one Juubei was ever-so-keen to see the back of. A few moments later, his suspicions were confirmed. "I was just wondering how you can tell the difference between loving family and friends, and loving a person you'd want to marry... Is it any different?"

Juubei frowned, "Kazuki, what's gotten you so interested in this? Why're you so desperate to know?" He didn't want anything more to do with it, frankly. It was much too embarrassing. If any other boys caught them talking about it, there was no doubt they'd be mocked until they curled up into little balls and died.

"I think it's interesting." Kazuki said. He spoke plainly, as if Juubei was dense for not understanding his fascination with it. And Juubei really couldn't deny Kazuki an answer any longer. He didn't want anyone to know, but Kazuki was his weakness. It was hard for him to say 'no' to the boy. And even now, when he really didn't want to answer...

"I guess... that if you're in love..." Juubei cringed at the words. His skin felt as if it had heated up, merely from saying them, "You want to be with that person forever. They're someone that you'd do anything for. Someone that... I don't know... maybe you'd give up what you needed or wanted for them."

Kazuki stared at him for a long time after that, and he felt even more uncomfortable. He hadn't said anything too stupid... well, considering what they were talking about, he hadn't sounded too dumb... had he? Would Kazuki stop looking at him like that? Or at least offer an opinion on what he'd just said. At least then he'd know exactly why...

"If that's true, it sounds like..." Kazuki's smile was soft when he spoke, and his eyes were set on something far off in the distance, "You're in love with me."

If Juubei thought he'd been blushing hard before, it was nothing compared to now. It looked as if he'd been hanging upside down from a tree for far too long.

"That's... that's not true, Kazuki! Boys can't love other boys like that!"

He hadn't expected his friend to look so surprised. However, Kazuki's delicately shaped eyebrows rose quite high above his brown eyes, which widened somewhat.

"Pardon?" He'd definitely been startled by Juubei's words, judging from his tone. "But there's a word for it, Juubei. Homosexual is a word for a person who loves other people of the same gender. I've seen it in the dictionary."

"But... but..." Juubei had never considered challenging the idea before. He'd always thought that love was only possible between men and women. He couldn't believe that something like that existed. And why had Kazuki been reading the dictionary anyway? "That can't be right... That can't be possible. Boys don't..." He trailed off, looking stunned. Kazuki chuckled, then reached out to place one of his hands over Juubei's.

"Then... What would you think if I told you that I love you, Juubei?"

It had always sounded stupid to him when people used the sentence, _'I felt like my heart had stopped'_. How would they know what that felt like anyway? What a dumb thing to say. However, after this, he'd never think that again. It really did feel as if his heart had stopped beating for a moment. And Kazuki was still smiling at him and his smile looked so soft, and so gentle and...

"I... I... I'd think you meant it as... as..." He scrabbled for words, but even basic vocabulary seemed to have abandoned him, and now his heart was speeding up and it felt as if there were butterflies in his stomach and he was... "I'd think you meant it as a friend."

Juubei's eyes were desperate, like the eyes of a cornered animal and Kazuki couldn't figure out what he was afraid of. Was he really that disgusted by the idea of two boys being in love? Perhaps... but Juubei wouldn't think badly of him, even if he had been telling the truth.

Kazuki released the needle-user's hands and shook his head, donning an amused smile.

"I'm just joking, Juubei. Don't take me so seriously." He settled back on the grass, in exactly the same spot he'd been sitting in before, "I think that people who're in love like to do things like kiss each other, and you've never done that to me. I was teasing."

Juubei just nodded, still dumbstruck. His heart still hadn't calmed down from the shock. But Kazuki was right. He didn't love him in that way. He'd never felt the desire to kiss him before, so...

His eyes finally came to rest upon his friend's lips. They looked so soft and slightly moist...

What _would_ it feel like to kiss him...?

---

As the years passed and the time was fast approaching for Kazuki to celebrate his thirteenth birthday, their conversation was long forgotten. However, the effects of it still remained and Juubei's secret fascination with Kazuki's lips hadn't dwindled any. He'd looked at his companion in a different light from then on. He could still see him as the childhood friend he was meant to protect, but at the same time...

Kazuki was amazing. He continued to grow more and more beautiful as time passed, almost certifying - according to his mother - that no girl would ever want to marry him. Juubei had begun to notice how elegant and graceful Kazuki was, not just when he practiced with string, but whenever he moved. He moved like water; flowing and purposeful, never seeming clumsy or hesitant. Along with this, his feelings when he was around Kazuki had changed. It seemed that whenever the boy smiled the feeling of butterflies in Juubei's stomach came back, and whenever they touched his heart would pound, like he'd run for miles without stopping... Juubei knew it couldn't be anything other than a crush, but he didn't want to believe it.

It was wrong of him to feel this way about Kazuki. They were friends... just good friends, and...

He wanted so badly to find out how kissing him would feel. But at the same time he didn't want it at all. Denying these feelings hadn't forced them to go away, so all he could do now was keep them secret. If he did that for long enough, he hoped they'd fade. This wasn't worth damaging their friendship over.

Kazuki, on the contrary, didn't seem to have changed how he felt about and acted around Juubei at all. He was the same as ever, and that was quite possibly why Juubei continued to fall for him, more and more each day.

Juubei had taken to touching Kazuki whenever he could. Not as if he was groping him, because he had far much more honor than that. Rather, he'd place a hand on Kazuki's shoulder, or tap him to get his attention as opposed to just calling his name. Instead of asking him if he needed assistance whenever he made a sound of pain, Juubei would take Kazuki's arm and ask him to show him where it hurt. If he only asked, sometimes Kazuki would tell him it was okay, that there wasn't much he could do. If this happened, Juubei had no excuse to reach for him.

Sakura had noticed the change in her brother, but she never made a note to ask him about it. She knew that she wouldn't get an answer anyway. Kazuki, on the other hand, seemed to have noticed nothing, and Sakura wasn't going to tell him. She knew that Juubei was probably uncomfortable about these new feelings he was experiencing, and as his elder sister she would try to support him however she could... without, of course, letting him onto the fact that she was aware at all.

If he had stopped to consider it, Juubei would have realized that he must have always felt something for Kazuki. It was only after that conversation, years ago that he'd come to recognize it.

Maybe if he'd been strong enough to just tell Kazuki, 'no' back then, that he didn't want to talk about this, maybe his feelings would never have bloomed. Maybe they would have died away without him even realizing they were there. He could barely even remember what they'd been talking about at that time anymore. All he remembered was his best friend smiling at him, staring into his eyes. He remembered the fluttery feeling in his stomach and his urge, the one that still hadn't left, to brush his lips against Kazuki's.

It began to snow the night before Kazuki's birthday. He and Juubei peered outside every-so-often during the day, just to check how deep it was getting. It would be exciting, they thought, if the snow was heavy enough to trap them all inside. Some people hadn't turned up for the celebration, and they could only guess that it was because of the weather. However, by evening, the snow had ceased and Kazuki's more distant relatives and friends began to leave. Eventually only the Kakei's, Kazuki and his parents were left. Sakura sat with the adults. A girl in her late teens didn't want to play with a pair of boys in their early teens, after all.

So the adults sat drinking tea, while Kazuki and Juubei went outside to play in the snow. Calls about how cold it was, and to make sure that they put on warm enough clothes followed them, but Kazuki was too excited to care. Juubei, on the other hand, was a little insulted that his parents didn't think he was mature enough to think about putting warmer garments on before he went out to play in the snow. No, never mind that; how could they think he wouldn't make sure that _Kazuki_ wasn't warm enough before they went out to play? He wasn't going to let the boy he was supposed to protect go traipsing around in the freezing cold, wearing a flimsy kimono.

Well, okay... maybe kimonos weren't exactly flimsy, but they weren't the best protection against the cold either. No. Juubei placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, stopping the over-excited boy from leaping out, unprepared, into the icy world.

"Kazuki, we should change into something more appropriate first." He motioned to the loose folds of Kazuki's kimono that could easily expose his skin to the chilly air. "You don't want to get sick, do you?" He grabbed his own jacket, which he'd left by the entrance when he'd arrived with his family that morning.

Kazuki laughed, "That's an old wives' tale, Juubei. You need to catch the bug first before getting cold can make you sick." But he walked side by side with Juubei to his room, and dug out warmer clothes. Clothes which had startled his best friend the first time he'd seen them. It wasn't the exact same outfit, for if it was Kazuki would be far too big to fit into it. He'd gotten much taller since that time.

Used to seeing Kazuki and his family in traditional Japanese wear, the puffy winter jackets and long pants had stunned Juubei when Kazuki had put them on during the first winter they'd spent together. Of course, they were girl's clothes. Kazuki's figure was so womanly that if his parents had ever presented him with clothes meant for a male, they would hang off of him quite unflatteringly. That meant that the wear usually came in girlish shades, but Juubei was so used to seeing Kazuki dressd in pink that it didn't bother him at all.

He waited outside for his friend to change; it wasn't that he was ever going to be indecent, but Juubei just didn't trust himself to be around an even partially-naked Kazuki. He'd probably blush so hard that he'd die from blood to the brain, and therefore decided it was best he stay on the other side of the door.

Unfortunately, that was not to be the case.

"Um... Juubei? Can you give me a hand?" The Fuchouin heir's voice sounded muffled through the door, but it was perfectly audible. "My arms are stuck and I can't get them out." He sounded a little embarrassed, and Juubei didn't blame him. The last time he'd managed to get stuck in his clothes was back when he was only seven.

"Of course." He slid the door open, and was met by the truly pathetic sight of Kazuki with his arms pinned behind his back with his jacket. Juubei bit his bottom lip, trying to hold back a grin that he knew Kazuki wouldn't appreciate. He grabbed the edges of the offending garment, and pulled forwards, freeing his friend from the cloth prison.

"Thank you, Juubei." Kazuki's cheeks had grown pink, "I have no idea how I managed that." He began to fumble with his jacket buttons, but remained unsuccessful. Juubei finally laughed; he wasn't able to hold back his amusement at Kazuki's minor misfortune any longer.

"Do you want help with those too?" He asked, "Maybe you should have put your gloves on last." But he didn't give him the chance to take them off. Kazuki stood still while Juubei buttoned him up, watching with a questioning smile.

"Being my protector doesn't mean you have to dress me, but thank you again." When Juubei flushed, Kazuki couldn't help but give him a little pat on the arm. "Don't get so embarrassed! You were just trying to help." He flashed the Kakei heir a quick grin, "Let's go outside now."

The sky had been filled with clouds earlier that day but, thanks to a gentle breeze, they'd moved out for the most part. The moon looked about three quarters full, Juubei thought, so mixed with the lights from Kazuki's home, it provided ample brightness. The snow looked stunning. In full sunlight it was probably sort of gray, but in this light it sparkled. Kazuki laughed, for no reason other than the fact that it felt wonderful to be alive. Juubei followed after him, being a little more reserved than usual, just wanting to drink in the setting. It felt nice out here. The air was cold against his face, but he couldn't feel the chill on the rest of his body for his clothes.

And he was alone, in the moonlight, with Kazuki.

Of course, Kazuki wasn't looking at this in a romantic way; He just wanted to have fun. Juubei could tell this easily from the way he'd belly flopped into the ankle deep snow, still laughing. Juubei joined him, sitting down more carefully, and not saying anything after he was seated. Kazuki hefted himself up, giving Juubei a worried look.

"Are you okay?" Maybe Juubei didn't like snow. He'd never mentioned how he felt about it before, so maybe he was only out here because Kazuki wanted to be. Maybe he should have asked first?

"I'm fine. It's just a nice night, so I just didn't want to spoil the atmosphere." Juubei's smile hadn't changed, Kazuki thought, since the first time they'd met long ago.

It still promised him everything.

"I've probably spoilt it already, so don't worry about it."

Juubei shook his head, looking up at the sky. He couldn't see any stars, but the moon was still fully visible.

"That's not true, Kazuki. You have a beautiful laugh. I..." He trailed off there, not wanting to say anything else. What he'd said just then had been stupid, and Kazuki was probably completely disturbed by it. He really needed to learn not to say anything but the bare necessities. However, Kazuki's response was to sit up and give Juubei a soft look. One that he remembered seeing a long time ago. It made him feel a little more relaxed.

"You're right. It is nice out here. Just you and I."

Juubei's pulse picked up a little. What was he trying to say? "Kazuki, I--"

"Shh." Juubei's stomach flipped as Kazuki placed one finger on his lips, "Let's just sit here together." He slid his finger from Juubei's mouth, down his face and gently stroked him under the chin before taking it away.

Juubei clenched his fists. This wasn't what he wanted...

"Kazuki, don't."

The Fuchouin boy gave his friend a curious look. "Don't what?" Had he done something wrong? Juubei seemed upset...

"I can't. Kazuki, you know I was born for you, but please stop. If you know... how I feel about you... don't tease me like this."

The following silence was unbearable. Kazuki wasn't looking at him anymore and he just couldn't make sense of his expression.

"How you... feel about me? Juubei... I seem to recall you saying sometime ago that two boys couldn't love one another. That it was wrong." Even the tone of his voice gave no clues as to what he was thinking. _He must be angry_, Juubei decided. _It must be like the calm before the storm. He's going to hate me after this; he's never going to speak to me again._

"I know." If he made Kazuki realize how ashamed he was, maybe he'd be able to salvage their friendship. Even if it was just a little, he'd say anything. "I know I'm disgusting. I shouldn't feel this. It _is_ wrong. _I'm_ wrong. I promised to protect you, but instead I've just-"

"Shut up." His eyes widened at how harsh Kazuki's voice was; Juubei couldn't remember another time that Kazuki had sounded so cold. He was stunned at how quickly the mood had changed. "Shut your mouth, Juubei."

As for Kazuki, he couldn't remember being angry like this. It was rare for him to lose his temper; he could be distant and harsh, but not usually like this. He'd never been this furious before. "Don't ever call yourself disgusting in my presence again, Kakei Juubei. Don't ever speak of your feelings in such a manner again, do you hear me?"

His voice rose with every word, but Kazuki didn't care if anyone heard him. He could tell that Juubei was shocked by his outburst, but feelings... feelings were such important things, and to hear Juubei speaking of his own in such a way...

"Kazuki? I didn't mean..." Juubei tried to calm his friend, but realized he had nothing to say. It wasn't a lie. He felt dishonorable for wanting Kazuki like this when he was only supposed to protect him. He'd fallen for someone that he could never allow himself to have and he felt... guilty. But he couldn't explain all that. He couldn't explain something that he barely understood himself.

"I don't care how you meant that, Juubei! What does that make me? Am I disgusting too? Am I wrong? Is the way I feel about you wrong, just because of who...what we are? Am I not allowed to feel like this either?" He was over-reacting. Kazuki _knew_ that he was over-acting, but he couldn't seem to stop himself.

How pathetic. Was this what it meant to be a teenager? Being overly emotional? Acting upon your confused hormones instead of upon logical thought? At least he wasn't crying. What Juubei had said had both hurt and angered him, but he was too angry to cry; too angry to be sad. Too angry to even yell anymore. All he could do now was get to his feet and make sure not to look at his best friend. "I'm going to go inside. Good night."

"Wait."

He did. Kazuki didn't want to leave things like this. Not ever. And especially not on his birthday. If they couldn't fix this... this was an argument, wasn't it? But Juubei hadn't yelled at him, or scolded him... not that it mattered. If they couldn't fix this, it would ruin his day and he wanted to end it with Juubei and himself happy.

But Juubei didn't say anything. He wasn't even looking at Kazuki. He had his eyes fixed on something far away, and Kazuki could tell from his manner that Juubei couldn't bring himself to face him. It was such an awkward situation; both of them had their feelings out in the open, but it just wasn't that easy. At this age, the two of them were beginning to realize that relationships weren't as simple as they'd once thought. Even for two people already in love, it seemed, there wasn't a simple road.

"Juubei..." Kazuki's voice was softer now. His rage had died down, and his logic was starting to take hold again. He'd been too harsh just before. His anger had gotten the better of him and he'd spoken to Juubei too roughly. He regretted the way he'd phrased his words and the tone he'd used, but he'd meant what he'd said. "I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm sorry."

Juubei just shook his head, still not looking at Kazuki. "No... it doesn't matter... You were right. I said some stupid things and... no. No, what you said was right." Kazuki noticed that Juubei's clenched fists were trembling. "How could this be disgusting? How could loving Kazuki possibly be disgusting?"

The thread-user's heart began to thump wildly, and an odd tingle ran down his spine. It was marvelous, the effect words could have upon a person, and Kazuki probably would've pondered it, had the situation allowed him the time.

There was some movement inside the house. Was it time to go in? No, no, it couldn't be. Nothing was settled yet. The discomfort between the two friends was still there and it was still thick enough to smother them both. If they were forced inside now, what would happen?

Kazuki could tell Juubei wasn't about to say anything to help. He was too busy berating himself, the way he always did when he made mistakes.

Slowly and hesitantly, left with nothing to say, Kazuki reached out. His finger tips gently brushed under Juubei's chin, soon joined by the rest of his hand. He curled his fingers into his friend's hair, letting the tips come to rest on the back of his neck. His pinky finger briefly brushed against Juubei's earlobe. He desperately wanted to say something, but for once he was stuck for words. He just didn't understand this situation. He liked Juubei. Juubei liked him. They both knew it, and still... something wasn't settled...

And right now all he could do was act.

"Kazuki, just stop."

Kazuki didn't remove his hand, but he stopped moving, "What... what's wrong now, Juubei?" The Fuchouin son noted that his friend's hands were still clenched and still shaking.

"We can't... Kazuki, I can't. I'm not allowed to. I'm below you. I'm not allowed you. I'm your protector, and I was never supposed to let this happen." The words felt awkward on his tongue; the sentences were broken and unfinished and they didn't seem to make any sense together. None of this seemed to make any sense. He felt terrible and ashamed. No matter what he did right now, he'd be letting Kazuki down. He felt as if he was wallowing in self-pity.

The last thing he'd expected was for his friend to start giggling. No, maybe he was wrong; maybe Kazuki was crying... but upon closer inspection, he was definitely laughing. The string-user, hand still twined in Juubei's hair, gave his friend's brown locks a soft tug in an affectionate manner.

"Is that it, Juubei?" Kazuki sounded relieved, "Is that really all that's worrying you? You think you don't _deserve _me?"

He began to massage the back of Juubei's head with the tips of his fingers. It was a soothing motion, but Juubei didn't let it suck him in. It was difficult for him at this age to ignore his emotions and listen to what he was so sure was right. At this very moment, there was nothing he wanted more than to give in to Kazuki; give in to what he wanted. However, Juubei knew that this wasn't his role. His place by Kazuki's side was not the place of a lover. It was the place of a protector.

"I don't think that. I _know _that I don't deserve you, Kazuki." It was strange. He was so sure that he was the wrong person for his friend to love, but he just couldn't formulate an argument to back it up. "Our parents... everyone... would agree. Kakei's and Fuchouin's have never... My only purpose is to make sure you never get hurt. _That_ role... that place by your side... is to be saved for someone else."

At most times, Kazuki was quiet and thoughtful. He wasn't the type of person to be loud and honest. However, there were also moments when he would stand up and speak his mind.

"Be quiet, Juubei, and _stop_ being so old-fashioned." With that, Kazuki moved his free hand to Juubei's shoulder and sat in his best friend's lap, still facing him. "I don't care. I don't care what anyone thinks. Mother and father have been raising me to be their heir, but they can't choose who I'm going to spend my future with. What about you? Are you going to let your parents take you away from me, Juubei? For stupid, selfish, old customs?"

If the needle user had thought that his heart had been pounding before, it was nothing compared to now. This was the most intimate position the two of them had ever been in, and the closeness was making him feel intoxicated. His thoughts were muddled, and all he could concentrate on was the fact that Kazuki's mouth was merely inches from his own. Not only that, but Kazuki was practically begging him to take their relationship further.

The only thing stopping Juubei right now, was his honor.

Frankly speaking, this meant that most boys Juubei's age would have been screwed. But honor was important to him and it always influenced his decisions strongly. Kazuki knew this... but how was he supposed to get past such a barrier?

"Kazuki..." Juubei's voice sounded like one of a person who'd just woken from a long sleep. Hazy, confused and unsure. "It's not just our parents... my role is... my place beside you is to stop you from being harmed. It's..."

"Then stop hurting me." The boy seemed frustrated again. He'd thought that Juubei feeling as if he weren't good enough for him would be easy to fix, but apparently he'd been very wrong, "What you're doing to me now is hurting worse than a bruise or an insect sting." He removed his hand from Juubei's hair and placed it on his own chest. The one on Juubei's shoulder stayed in place. "It feels like it's hurting in here. It feels like someone is squeezing something inside my chest as hard as they can. If your role as my protector is to stop me from being harmed, why won't you do anything about it?" Kazuki knew he sounded weak, but how else was he supposed to phrase that? It _did _hurt in his chest, and he didn't mind sounding feeble and arrogant if it would convince Juubei that there was nothing standing between them. Nothing other than Juubei's own guilt and sense of responsibility.

"I didn't..." Juubei started speaking, only half sure of what he was going to say. More movement came from inside the house, and Kazuki prayed that no one would see them in such a position.

Clouds had moved back in, and not even the moon was visible anymore. The cold was beginning to penetrate their clothes. However, both their faces still felt hot and flushed.

"I didn't think I was hurting you." Juubei finally said, averting his gaze. Still, Kazuki could recognize his expression; shame. He was ashamed of having hurt Kazuki, thinking he'd been protecting him from... from what? Juubei couldn't even remember his own reasoning. "I'm sorry... I'll do my best to protect you from now on."

Kazuki, having won, felt suddenly awkward. What did he do now that Juubei had... surrendered, if you will?

After thinking briefly, Kazuki smiled inwardly. He should just do what felt right, shouldn't he? That's what he'd been doing - and saying - all along. So he leant forwards, ever so slowly, until their noses brushed together.

Juubei's pulse picked up again, and his breathing became erratic. Was Kazuki about to...? He felt so young and inexperienced. But Kazuki was even younger than he was. Of course, that didn't mean he was more of a novice in relationships. Thinking about it now, the mere thought of Kazuki loving someone else made him feel sick. He hadn't considered that before... what if he'd continued to insist that they didn't further their relationship? The idea made him shiver slightly.

"I don't just want a protector." Kazuki whispered, their lips only centimeters away from each other now. It made Juubei's body tingle. "And I don't just want a friend..."

He let his arms drop slightly, until they were low enough to wrap around Juubei's middle. Neither of them noticed Sakura standing near the entrance of the house, watching them with a slight smile on her face.

"Kazuki." Juubei finally got up the courage to speak, breaking the not unwelcome silence. He still paused awkwardly before continuing, but Kazuki continued to sit, nuzzled up against him, patiently. "Is it okay... to kiss you?"

The Fuchouin boy flushed, but he nodded.

As they both positioned their faces for a clumsy, tender first kiss, Kazuki's thoughts drifted for a moment.

_'I was wrong, mother. Father. I have fallen in love.'_


End file.
